Marriage Under the Care of Meeting

This text is a draft appendix from the Faith and Practice Revision Committee for the new Faith and Practice, the book that provides guidance for Friends in New England Yearly Meeting. It will eventually be replaced by updated material as the related chapters of Faith & Practice receive preliminary approval. In the meantime, you are invited to examine and try out the procedures outlined here and let the committee know what needs to be added or clarified. Please send comments and insights to [email protected].

6A. Process for Marriage Under the Care of a Meeting. 

It is important to note that the process from first requesting marriage under the care of the meeting until a recommendation is brought to the meeting for business can take as long as four or five months. Couples are encouraged to begin the process well in advance of their intended wedding date. Wedding arrangements should remain tentative until after the marriage has been approved.

1. The couple writes a letter of intention to the clerk of the meeting. The letter may be as short as a simple statement of the couple’s wish to be married under the care of the meeting. The clerk shares the request at the next business meeting and refers it to Ministry and Counsel.
2. Ministry and Counsel appoints a clearness committee or two separate clearness committees, one for each member of the couple. 
3. The couple and the clearness committee(s) meet one or more times to discern together whether all are clear that such a marriage may proceed.
4. The clearness committee reports its discernment to Ministry and Counsel.
5. Ministry and Counsel receives the report of the clearness committee and determines if the committee has carried out its charge faithfully. If Ministry and Counsel and the clearness committee are in unity that the marriage come under the care of the meeting, M&C makes that recommendation to the meeting for business. If Ministry and Counsel and the clearness committee are in unity that the marriage should not proceed, that information is not necessarily shared in the business meeting.
6. Meeting for business reviews the recommendation.
7. If the meeting’s decision is to proceed, it appoints a wedding committee to have care of the wedding. Either at that same meeting for business or at a subsequent one, the meeting approves a called meeting for worship for the purpose of marriage at a date and location agreed upon with the couple.
8. The couple and the wedding committee make plans and arrangements for the wedding ceremony.

6B. Queries to be Considered by the Couple before Asking the Monthly Meeting for Marriage under Its Care

The covenant of marriage is both a joyful and a solemn obligation. The couple considering marriage under the care of a Friends’ meeting should discuss frankly with each other the commitments and responsibilities assumed in marriage and in establishing a home. The questions that follow have no “right” answers, but are intended as aids to spiritual discernment.

Each question is here because someone found it useful. There may be questions which make one of you uncomfortable. If there is a worry or a discomfort that you have been pushing away, now is the time to look at it. It is the unrecognized issues which most often cause problems. Try to take enough time to allow yourselves to enjoy addressing these questions, and others that may occur to you. 

1. Why do we want to be married? What do we hope the commitment of marriage will bring to our relationship? Why are we asking for marriage under the care of the meeting?
2. Are we seeking a spiritual union, a legal union, or both? If we cannot have or do not want a legally recognized union, are we aware of the many legal contracts that can be drawn up to provide rights similar to those that are part of a legally recognized union? How open are we willing to be, beyond the meeting, about the fact that our marriage is not one that will be legally recognized?
3. Can we with integrity be married under the care of the meeting with the traditional vow that references the importance of Divine assistance?
4. Have we discussed continuing friendships outside of our marriage? Do either of us have emotional or other commitments to another person that could constitute a challenge to our marriage?
5. Have we been transparent about our personal financial situations? How are differences in our financial backgrounds likely to influence our plans for handling our finances?
6. How compatible are our attitudes on earning, spending, saving, and donating money? Will we share responsibility for our routine financial maintenance? Even if our earnings or wealth differ, do we expect to be equal partners in our financial decision-making?
7. Have we discussed whether either or both of us will change our names, and have we discussed what last name any children may have?
8. Does anything in my partner’s behavior make me uneasy when I think about marrying them? Have I ever brought it up for discussion?
9. What are sources of potential conflicts between us? When conflicts arise, what tools do we have to deal with them?  Are we able to disagree with respect, love, and concern for one another? Do we have experience of being able to reconcile and forgive each other?
10. Have we explored our attitudes and visions for family life including: Do we want children? If so, how many? How soon? Might we consider adoption or foster care? 
11. If either of us already has children, what might be the impact of this marriage on them and of them on our marriage? How will we incorporate the children into the new marriage? How will we work with the children’s other parent/s?
12. How might we raise, discipline, and educate children if we choose to be parents?
13. How would caring for children impact our jobs and our careers? How do we envision sharing family responsibilities?
14. What might be the relationship of the family we are forming to our families of origin and to the meeting?
15. How well do we understand each other's economic, cultural, and religious backgrounds? How do our family backgrounds affect how we feel about marriage and having a family? How do our extended families feel about our marriage, and what expectations do they have for how we will interact with them? How do these factors impact us as individuals and as a couple? 
16. Are we in agreement on the role of sexuality in our marriage? Are we able to be honest with each other in our sexual desires? How do we maintain the trust needed to navigate times when our sexual desires or preferences for intimacy differ?
17. Do each of us envision our marriage as an exclusive sexual relationship? If not, what other possibilities have we discussed?
18. Have we considered that a couple can maintain a mutually supportive, loving and intimate marriage without it being a sexual relationship?
19. Do we know each other well enough to have considered the above questions frankly, openly, and without hurry? If not, should we wait—six months, a year—before proceeding with marriage?

6C. Possible Queries to be Considered by the Couple with Their Marriage Clearness Committee

1. What does marriage mean to you? Why do you want to be married?
2. Why do you want to be married “under the care of the meeting”?
3. What do you expect your relationship as a married couple to be with the meeting?
4. If your marriage is going to be a spiritual union but not a legally recognized one, have you been open about that yet with the meeting?
5. Are you free enough from prior relationships to enter fully into this marriage?
6. Have you discussed the possibility of raising children together?
7. If applicable, how will you bring children from a prior relationship into this marriage?
8. Have you shared enough information about your past and your present situation to enter into your marriage with integrity? 
9. What are the strengths in your relationship that will support you as you deal with the inevitable changes and difficulties you will experience as a couple?
10. Which of the queries you considered together prompted the richest sharing? Which prompted the most discomfort?
11. Will you be using the traditional language of the Friends’ marriage ceremony when you exchange your vows?  If not, what changes have you considered?
12. Have you considered what Friends mean by the “dignity, reverence, and simplicity” of a Quaker wedding?

6D. Possible Queries for the Marriage Clearness Committee to Ask Itself

1. How well do these two people know one another?
2. Are these two people embarking on a spiritual union?
3. Does the couple understand the implications of being married under the care of the meeting?
4. Are there any obstacles to this couple marrying? Is there a role for this committee in addressing them?
5. Is marriage under the care of the meeting right for this couple and for the meeting?

6E. Wedding Committee Checklist

1. Meet with the couple to discuss plans for the wedding, and for the wedding reception if it is to be held at the meeting house. Include the choice of individuals to open the worship, to read the certificate, and to close the meeting. Inquire if the couple wishes to have a printed program that introduces the wedding ceremony to the guests.
2. Bring a recommendation to the monthly meeting for business for the date and place of a meeting for worship for the wedding if this was not done at the time of approving the marriage.
3. Review the vows with the couple. See that the wedding is accomplished with dignity, reverence, and simplicity according to the practices of the monthly meeting.
4. For a union that will be legally recognized, ensure the legal requirements of the state where the wedding will take place have been met, including:
   1. the proper license has been obtained;
   2. the meeting has designated a specific member to attend the wedding and sign the license;
   3. the completed license has been filed in good time.
5. Arrange for the care of the certificate following the meeting for worship and see that it is signed by all who are present as witnesses.
6. Deliver a high-resolution digital image or print copy of the signed certificate to the recording clerk or statistical recorder of the meeting.
7. Report to the monthly meeting that the marriage has been suitably accomplished, that any applicable legal requirements have been satisfied, and that the certificate has been properly recorded. Also, report any name changes resulting from the marriage.

6F. Sample Introduction

Welcome to this joyful occasion of _____ and _____’s wedding. Love has called us all here today; the family, friends and especially ___ and ___.

In the Quaker tradition it is understood that no one performs the marriage, that two people marry one another, and that it is the Spirit which seals the union.

The ceremony will be very simple, in the manner of Friends, or Quakers, as we are better known. We will enter into a shared worship, in which we intentionally center ourselves silently together in the presence of God. This does not come naturally to everyone, but try to gently let go of any discomfort or extraneous thoughts and simply bring yourself back as many times as necessary to the quiet and the beauty of this place and this occasion and to the Spirit in which we all live and move and have our being.

When ___ and ___ are ready, they will make their vows to one another. After they say their vows, they will sign the wedding certificate. At that point the certificate will be read aloud by ____. Then we’ll move back into silence, and during that time anyone may speak who feels moved to do so - You may have words of blessing to share with the couple, prayers for their future, perhaps thoughts on marriage, or words which share the joy of this time.  It’s a time for quiet contemplation and the joy of being in worship together. What you say doesn’t need to be polished or eloquent, just from your heart and fairly brief.  There will be time for storytelling and congratulations after the ceremony.

We find that allowing a little silence after someone speaks allows their words to be held, considered and appreciated. So, please leave a little space between speakers.

If no one feels moved to speak, we will simply remain in shared silence. The silence can be as powerful as words.

I will indicate the conclusion of the ceremony when I offer my hand to the person next to me, and all are then invited to shake hands and greet one another.

After the ceremony, everyone present, including children, is asked to sign the traditional Friends’ wedding certificate, creating a cherished record of all who are present today as witnesses to this marriage.

6G. Traditional Vows

Below is a sample of the vows and the certificate. Any changes the couple wishes to make should be reviewed with the wedding committee.

6H. The Quaker Marriage Certificate

 The certificate needs to include:

1. Names of the individuals being married.
2. Date and location of the wedding.
3. Meeting under whose care it is held.
4. The vows.
5. Space for signatures of the couple, pastor (if appropriate), and those attending.

Sufficient identification should be used to unambiguously identify the couple and the meeting.

6I. Traditional Quaker Certificate of Marriage

(Below is a traditional certificate. Any changes the couple wishes to make should be reviewed with the wedding committee.)

¹ Couples vary widely in the names that they take after they are married. In all cases their signatures on this certificate are the first place that their married names are used, these signatures being their final step in their wedding.