Dying, Death, and Bereavement

This text received preliminary approval at Yearly Meeting Sessions in August 2019 for inclusion in Faith and Practice, the book that provides guidance for Friends in New England Yearly Meeting.

One rarely knows how death will arrive, either for a loved one or for oneself. Will death come through injury, illness, old age? Will it come quickly or slowly? Will there be warning? Each death is unique, and may not come at the end of a long life. Yet, each life, whether short or long, is whole and precious.

Early Friends recognized the passage into death as a liminal space in which a person might be particularly conscious of the Eternal. It was common for friends and family to gather to hear the testimony of the dying person. While this rarely happens in a formal way now, many still find deep openings sitting with a dying person whether in silence or in conversation, and even when they are with a person who is unconscious, distressed, or wrestling with great pain.

Keeping a sense of sanctity and care around death may present a challenge. Many aspects of the modern world distance us from death.  Deaths are often outside the home, or far away geographically from loved ones.  Certain aspects of death, such as medical care or funeral arrangements, are usually handled by others, leading to less engagement with the physical reality of death than in former times.  At the same time, the still common experience of mass deaths from war, or other violence, may lead one to objectify death as remote and unreal.

What happens beyond life is a mystery, but Friends trust it is part of a universe sustained by Divine Love.  Friends’ witness is that one may live in God’s realm in the present. As such, life choices are made not in hopes of heaven in an after-life, but on how one can embody that realm in the present.

Birth and death are parts of the natural order of creation. A given life span is only one fleeting but precious part of the life of the universe. What precedes and follows it becomes part of a larger spiritual context. Birth, life, and death are complementary parts of the cycle of life anchored in the Spirit.  

Dying

Dying may happen in an instant or may be prolonged, but anticipation of dying may affect anyone. Until one directly faces death for oneself or for loved ones, there is much that is unknown.  Sharing experiences of being with someone who is dying may help confront and allay some fears. It also offers the chance to explore spiritual questions together and to offer comfort to each other.

For those who are in the process of dying, it may be important for them to talk about their fears, regrets, or emotional and financial concerns for those being left behind. Sometimes there is vital work of forgiveness of oneself or others to be done. One may mourn what will be left undone, or that which will never now be experienced.

There can be a sense of release from fear when a person relinquishes the fight against disease and accepts their coming death, a release that leaves room to embrace the stretch of life that remains. Just as it is common to give thought to the birthing experience, some people give thought to the experiences surrounding death such as who might be present or choosing comforting music or readings.

When one is a patient, there may be medical choices that affect one’s dying and death. Not only are there choices of what course of treatment to accept, there are also choices to be made about whether to receive pain management only without looking for a cure[1], whether to enter hospice care[2], to refuse food and drink[3], or to choose physician assisted death in states where it is legal[4]. In making these decisions, it is valuable to include family and friends, and perhaps a clearness process with members of the meeting. Any decision made by the patient inevitably affects others who are close.

When dying happens over a period of time, support for caregivers is as important as care for the one who is dying. Those providing care are likely to have major responsibilities for physical needs, overseeing medical and financial decision-making, coordinating communication with family and friends, and providing emotional support. All these require much energy and stamina. At the same time the caregivers may be experiencing emotional turmoil. It is normal to swing between hope and fear as symptoms change, to feel drained and tired, resentful, scared, angry, overwhelmed or sad as well as to feel tender and loving. Caregivers may experience frustration, physical revulsion, and rage against what feels like an injustice. As they provide support, caregivers, in turn, need to receive support.

While accompanying some people as they die may prove inspiring and reassuring, that is by no means always the case.  Staying present to the person may be challenging when the manner of death is difficult. There may be anger or even horror, and one may profoundly disagree with the dying person’s choices. Remember the vital importance of dependence on the Spirit for guidance, comfort, and strength beyond one’s own resources.

Death

While it is helpful to all involved to plan and make decisions, death can happen in unexpected ways over which one has no control, and for which there has been no preparation[5]. Accidental death, violent death, miscarriage, death of a child at any age, and death by suicide all challenge one’s ability to accept and understand. One’s faith as well may be sorely tested. Not only the individuals involved, but the whole meeting may need to process and grieve together.

At times there are difficult decisions to make about death: for example, whether or not to terminate an unplanned or complicated pregnancy, whether to end one’s own medical treatment, or whether to stop a person’s life support. Friends may want to gather with a clearness committee for discernment at such times.

Taking the time for advance planning, including planning for costs, when one is still in good health is an act of love for those who will be left behind.  It allows for careful consideration of one’s own wishes, as well as time for conversation with loved ones about what they need and want. It also relieves loved ones of worry about details when grief is fresh and may be overwhelming. Discussing choices surrounding death with family members helps avoid later struggles and disagreements. Making sure that those responsible know the whereabouts of important information will facilitate what they need to do. Meetings may offer to keep copies of members’ final choices on file at the meetinghouse.

Formal documentation may include advance directives, a will, a list of important contacts, the location of personal documents and passwords, a draft obituary, plans for a memorial service, and choices concerning type of burial, organ donation, possible donation of the body for research, and other specifics about treatment of the body. Organizing one’s papers and possessions while one is able is a gift to all concerned. In addition, Friends may wish to consider writing ethical wills to leave a legacy of those non-material things that were important to their lives, such as their spiritual beliefs, guiding principles, and cherished family stories. (See Appendices 7A and 7B.)

Bereavement

When death is anticipated, grief begins early as those who love and care for someone watch the progress of the illness, perhaps witness pain and suffering, and realize their loss has already begun. While death involves grieving by family and friends, depending on circumstances, the grief may be mixed with gratitude, a sense of completion and rightness, or a sense that something sacramental has happened. It is also possible that the dying and the death will be traumatic, and there will be need for loving friends and family to actively support the bereaved. Sudden or violent death can pose further challenges, beginning with a period of shock during which the bereaved person’s basic needs must be addressed.   

Whatever the circumstances, death can be a complex and stressful time for families, and negotiating family expectations and sensitivities can benefit from spiritual support. This is especially important when a bereaved person has been unable to celebrate the life of their loved one with others, either because of geographical distance, estrangement, or the decision not to hold any kind of funeral or memorial service.

Grief is a process of healing. It is not linear, even though it has stages, and it has no time limit. The acute pain may dissipate, but it may resurface at unexpected intervals. Other feelings may arise: anger, regrets, and unresolved issues. Loss of a loved one changes the shape of one’s world, even when the loss has been foreseen and comes at an expected time. There may be a permanent sense of absence. Not only one’s feelings, but one’s very sense of identity and one’s roles in life may change. There is an alchemy involved in entering fully into grief, a process whereby feelings of despair and sorrow are accepted, fully experienced and transformed.

Meeting Responsibilities

Preparing for the eventuality of illness, aging, dying, and death of oneself or one’s loved ones is eased by an open flow of communication and exploration of these topics before such events occur. The meeting, or a memorial committee, can encourage advance decision-making by holding discussions on such topics as durable power of attorney, advance directives, eldercare, hospice, wills, and burial options, and by keeping a file of Friends’ final wishes as described above. This helps to relieve much stress when death occurs. When the meeting community is prepared and engaged, it can be a meaningful source of solace, comfort, and strength for a dying person, caregivers, and others affected by a death. As members of the meeting share this experience, they may grow in their own spiritual understandings of death and in their capacity to meet difficult experiences with love. Many meetings have regularly scheduled times to share the joys and sorrows of the community, inviting prayer and practical assistance. Meetings can also offer support to the dying as well as the bereaved with a clearness or support committee. (See Pastoral Care section.) As with all pastoral care, it is important for the meeting to gauge the scope of its ability to provide assistance.

Should a cause of death present particular challenges to the meeting, such as a death by violence, additional support for the community may be needed from Friends beyond the monthly meeting. At times, a number of meetings may need to uphold one another through times of grief following tragedies in the wider world, such as mass shootings or catastrophic events such as earthquakes. They may wish to join with other faith communities in mourning such events.

At the time of death, Friends should assist the family in whatever ways they can, such as help with children, with food or housework, or with hospitality for visiting relatives. If prior planning has not been done, the meeting may be asked to assist a family in making decisions regarding disposition of their loved one’s body and, if there is no family, consider doing this service for the deceased Friend. When choosing an alternative to the services of a professional funeral director (in states where this is legal) it is very helpful to have the support and assistance of one’s community.

If the meeting has a memorial or burial committee, it should be familiar with the legal requirements, which vary from state to state, and be ready to help Friends follow the burial protocols with simplicity and dignity, and to assist in filing the appropriate paperwork.

Memorial Minutes and Memorial Meetings

Memorial minutes and memorial meetings are valued spiritual practices of Friends.  The memorial minute testifies to the grace of God as revealed in the life of a Friend, while the memorial meeting for worship is a time to give thanks for that grace.  The minute recounts the life, distinctive qualities and contributions of the Friend who has died.  It may include excerpts from an individual’s pre-written spiritual autobiography or other writings.  When there is time for it to be written before the memorial meeting, parts of it may be read aloud during the worship.  Often it is written later and may reflect ministry that has arisen in the memorial meeting.

While early Friends remembered the deceased during a regular meeting for worship, it is more common now to schedule a separate time.  It is important to be aware of the needs both of the family and of the meeting, especially if the family is not acquainted with Quaker forms of worship.  In some instances two services may be held to accommodate both the family and the meeting.  Members are encouraged to attend a memorial meeting whether or not the person who died is someone they knew well.  Honoring a life in this way may help family members and the meeting through this difficult time of transition.  (See Appendices 7C, 7D, and 7E for guidance on writing memorial minutes and conducting memorial meetings.)  

Burial

Early Friends followed simple burial practices and often had no grave markers.  Many options are available today with or without the services of a funeral industry professional. Some meetings have a burial ground, or a memorial garden for cremated remains, and some have a standing burial committee to help guide families through the burial and memorial process.

Extracts

Advices and Queries

Advices for Meetings

1. Encourage one another to acknowledge the reality of death and come to a greater understanding of dying.
2. Remember the power, strength and comfort of both collective and individual prayer for those who are dying or who are bereaved.
3. Support those going through the process of dying, death and grieving. Help them to realize and express their wishes for the memorial meeting. Be sensitive to the needs of family, friends, and the meeting.
4. At times the need of the dying person for privacy conflicts with the caregivers’ and the family’s need for support. Be mindful of the ways information is shared within the meeting. Use discretion and discernment.
5. Make resources available on the practical, emotional and spiritual aspects of dying, death, and bereavement.
6. Be mindful of the ongoing support needed for those whose needs may be invisible: the very ill who are unable to come to meeting, caregivers, and those grieving.

Advices for individuals

1. Remember that death is an integral part of the fabric of life rather than an evil to be avoided at all costs. God is ever present.
2. Prepare for the end of life while you are able. Remember that infirmity and death can come unexpectedly. Advance planning is a gift to those left behind.
3. Advance planning is particularly important when care of dependent children needs to be considered.
4. Do not burden your heirs with decisions about possessions that could have been made through thoughtful preparation.
5. Clearly stated wishes regarding dispersal of property, heirlooms, and other family treasures may help to avoid pain and conflict.
6. Be aware that grieving is normal, is painful, and has no defined time limit. Be open to God’s love and the love of Friends, knowing that there are those willing to walk with you. When it is another’s turn to grieve, remember to support that person in whatever ways are helpful, with imagination and care.
7. Stay close to the Inward Guide as you navigate your own and family expectations and sensibilities around death.
8. Make a regular practice of prayer and dependence on the Divine so that in times of urgent need, you may more easily find your way to the embrace of the Spirit.
9. When visiting a person who is dying, or a person who is grieving, take care to keep the focus on that person, rather than on one’s own feelings and responses to the person’s condition. Be equally careful when speaking to that person’s family or caregivers.    

Although Queries may often be answered with a simple affirmative or negative, it is vital to ask corollary questions such as “why”, “how”, or “when”. A qualified answer arising from introspection is more meaningful and constructive than an uncritical “yes” or “no” (North Carolina Yearly Meeting [Conservative], 1983)

Queries for Meetings:

1. How does the meeting invite learning about, discussion of, and preparation for end-of-life issues, at both a practical and a spiritual level?
2. Does the meeting want to offer a place to file final choices for its members or biographical material which might be useful in preparing memorial minutes?  
3. How might the meeting support individuals, families, and the meeting as a whole, as each grieves, not only in the near future, but over time?
4. When death happens in a disturbing way, is the meeting a place where Friends know they can express difficult emotions and share together as needed?
5. Has the meeting considered the need for a burial/memorial committee to stay current with the state laws and with the choices available? If the meeting has a burial ground, does it have clear guidelines for its use and an accurate record of who is interred? (See Appendix 7G)
6. Has the meeting considered whether it is able to support those considering options that will hasten death?

Queries for Individuals

1. Am I fearful of death, or of dying, and how might these fears be faced?     
2. How does my faith inform my understanding of death? Am I living in the Eternal?
3. What insight and wisdom do I have to pass on to the next generation?
4. Do I know what to do when the death of a loved one occurs? Am I prepared to support the choices they make?
5. Do I know that I need not be alone in grief, and that I might share it with others? Am I willing to seek support when I need it?
6. Am I willing to be present to other Friends when they are grieving, to offer practical and spiritual support, making myself available as needed or wanted?

Further guidance about Death, Dying, and Bereavement may be found in Appendix 7.